What’s the best piece of career advice you’ve ever received?
We recently completed a survey where we asked women to share theirs, and more than 900 people responded. Skimming the one-liners, themes of authenticity, integrity, bravery, and self-advocacy emerge. (You can read a curated list here.)
My favorite response is only three words, typed in all caps: “GOOD MANNERS MATTER.” And I want to explain why I love it so much.
A few months ago, I was at a startup conference listening to venture capitalists speak on their own career lightbulbs. One talked at length about the phrase, “the customer is always right”—perhaps the corporate slogan for politeness.
That mentality, he said in different words from these, is fraught, because it requires you to abandon yourself in order to appease someone else. His greatest career lesson thus far had been, put simply: You can have empathy for someone and still disagree with them.
This moment spurred months of self-reflection for me as I considered times I’d struggled to hold those two truths at once—the care and understanding for another person versus my own negative feeling. Why, in some contexts, did outwardly disagreeing with someone feel… rude? And what about feelings like anger—why did expressing my own big emotions in a conversation feel… impolite?
I think it has a lot to do with culture, power, and fear or awareness of retaliation. Growing up, women often learn that good manners equal appeasement, especially in environments where they feel disempowered, like workplaces. We mitigate risk, to ourselves and our careers, by nodding along, but silently disagreeing. We text our best friend to vent, maybe, but we don’t speak up because we’re in customer service mode. And the customer is always right.
This is a form of self-preservation, so it’s hard to judge it too harshly. And there is plenty of pressure well into adulthood to remain “professional.” In fact, last week, when we asked our audience whether their workplaces support those who think differently or challenge the status quo, 39 percent said, vehemently, no, not at all. Another 20 percent said their workplaces rarely do. It’s hard to imagine pushing back, questioning the way things are, when the cost of doing so seems so obvious and so steep.
However, self-abandonment is unsustainable—it wreaks havoc on our bodies, our minds, and our relationships, not to mention our society. It’s the reason toxic workplaces eat at us and toxic relationships weigh so heavily on us. For our health and happiness, it’s a habit that needs reframing or, more accurately, redefining.
“Good manners matter,” that’s exactly right. But what are good manners, really?
I Googled it. The top results are things like apologizing, listening, gratitude, patience, consideration, tact, kindness, honesty, and respect, and all of these words can be used in conjunction with negatives. You can disagree respectfully. You can express anger tactfully (and even still loudly, with feeling). You can listen discerningly. You can reject someone or something with consideration. You can empathize and disagree.
Good manners aren’t about pleasing everyone. They’re about integrity—approaching disagreements, big emotions, or tough decisions with kindness, respect, and honesty. This balance allows you to honor both your values and your voice.
But if you grew up believing the customer is always right, good manners are going to feel uncomfortable, even rude, sometimes.
I find peace and resilience in music, so I’ll leave you with one of my all-time favorite Taylor Swift lyrics: “Never be so kind, you forget to be clever. Never be so clever, you forget to be kind.” These words challenge us to seek harmony between empathy and authenticity, which is exactly what I’m talking about here. Good manners matter, and if you’re practicing them mindfully, they shouldn’t cost you yourself.
