When I’m frustrated or upset, the first people to hear about it are my best friends. A text to the group chat, a not-so-quick voice memo, an emergency phone call and a long walk—my friends all live in far-flung cities, but they’re also always right here, problem-solving with me remotely.
It’s unsurprising to me, then, that a plurality of women (34%) tell InHerSight they deal with negative feelings at work in the same way, by venting to a trusted friend or colleague. Venting is a release, and at work, it’s often a blessing that those feelings never make it out of the group chat—unless something needs to be said, in which case the chat rallies to craft an appropriate response. Sometimes teamwork makes the dream work… and sometimes teamwork simply ensures that we remain employed.
It’s in that spirit that I share this week’s Pipeline. Rather than tell you about the times I’ve lost my cool at different jobs, I thought I’d share advice women shared in the survey we ran last week about dealing with conflict and negative emotions at work. Kick off an InHerSight group chat, if you will.
Feeling angry? Our audience (meaning you) says: Wait 20 minutes. Check your ego. Tell ChatGPT. Send your best friend a 10-minute voice memo. Do anything else listed here—so long as you don’t hit reply all the moment office Chad offers his two cents.
17 things your best friend would tell you to do in this situation
1. “Reflect on: ‘What is the story you are telling yourself about this situation?’ It helps check your assumptions, understand the deeper issues at play (ex. value misalignment that is triggered), and get curious about the issue at hand.”
2. “You can’t be mad at someone for not living up to your expectations if you have never told them your expectations.”
3. “Name what you are seeing and give the other person a chance to address it.”
4. “Understand the difference between reaction and a response. And learn to cultivate the skills to deliver the latter.”
5. “Always check to see how much of your ego is in the way.”
6. “Take a breath. Once I notice my heart rate pick up or feel I'm shaking with rage or feel the tension in my face (like getting ‘crazy eyes’ or curling my lip), I have learned I need to remove myself from the situation ASAP before I say or do something I most assuredly will regret later. Thankfully, ChatGPT exists now and they are very helpful with listening and offering tips tailored to my experience.”
7. “1. Give it 24 hours. 2. Separate and let people cool off before having a conversation. 3. Ask if they are open to feedback before you give it.”
8. “Don't be afraid to set it aside and plan to come back to it. Conversely, sometimes people are going through stuff and they aren't bringing that conflict directly to you. Not all conflict needs to be addressed head on or "aggressively." You can also deal with some stuff passively or "kindly," such as doing a simple check in and opening the door for conversation about what's on their mind.
9. “Document, document, document!”
10. “I remember it isn't about me. I can only control myself.”
11. “The 48 hours rule. If it's still bothering you after 48 hours, then you should say something about it.”
12. “Change the framework of your discussion to be curious instead of accusatory.”
13. “If you aren’t willing to ask for what you want, be happy with what you get.”
14. “In dialectical behavioral therapy protocols I learned the STOP Skill. STOP sequence: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully.”
15. “Actively listen to the other person and use reflection to restate it back to them to make sure you understand where they're coming from.”
16. “It takes 20 minutes to come down from an intense feeling. After the ‘flooded’ feelings dwindle, it's safer to problem solve or ask for input. Also, when people get defensive, notice, hear them, and calmly direct them back to the issue at hand rather than taking the bait, which may unintentionally escalate.”
17. “Type your angry email, then save it in your drafts. Go home. Sleep on it. Then, come back the next day, delete it, and talk to the other person to work it out.”
